Perspective
by CoolnRainy
Summary: Just a look into what the people around Cal and Gillian think of their relationship. I guess I would place it around the series end. Final chapter up ...
1. Loker and Torres

**Perspective**

**Summary:** Just a look into what the people around Cal and Gillian think of their relationship. I guess I would place it around the series end.

**A/N:** I sort of thought, if I were to go to each one of these characters, and ask "What are your thoughts on Cal and Gillian's relationship?" what would they say? I'm sure this has been done before, but I felt like going for it anyway So, it'll probably be like 3 or 4 chapters. Anyway, hope you enjoy.

**Disclaimer:** Lie to Me concept and characters do not belong to me.

**Chapter 1: Loker and Torres**

_Loker_

Ah, Lightman and Foster. The eternal question, huh? Can't say you're the first to ask ... Torres asked me about them, too, when she started here. The thing with them is that it's hard to tell. I mean, the way they look at each other? With love? That's always been there, even when they were both married. Even when they were both happily married. So, how to notice a shift? I don't know. I guess you'd have to look for the additional stuff. Like longing. Jealousy. Arousal.

Problem with that is you'd be very lucky to spot those. Lightman, of course, gets the arousal thing. But he doesn't even bother to hide that, and he does it with any hot woman. I guess he is almost pointedly obvious with her, but that could mean anything. That's Lightman. Longing? I don't know. I know he needs her in his life, and he is obsessive about her. But he's just like that with the people he loves. Obsessively overprotective. Jealous? I've been told it's been there, but I struggle to spot it. Or at least that kind of jealousy. He's certainly possessive. He's almost impossible to figure out - except by her, of course.

As for Foster ... For someone with such an apparently open face and personality, she's surprisingly hard to read. But that might be more control over her thoughts than her micro expressions. Probably. I do know how much she loves him, though. With all her heart. Whether she allows herself to feel romantic emotions for him or not, I don't know.

And I say this, because although I have no conclusive proof, I'm pretty sure there's something there. But even if there wasn't, I can tell you they're dedicated to each other. They function as a team. We're almost always out of the loop. Like they're in their own bubble, and we kind of float about in ignorance unless they decide we can get some info. And even then, it's usually only a fragment. They communicate in ways that only come with knowing each other so well, and, in Lightman's case, trust.

That's the biggest thing with him. She's the only person in the world that he trusts completely. Sometimes I wonder if she realizes just how profound that is. She probably does. She should.

Either way, they're a unit, and they protect each other. They are what best friends should be. Lightman and Foster. They have their own little world. And sometimes I really hate being left out of it. But it's not a world anyone will be able to permeate, so we just have to learn to put up with it.

…

_Torres_

I had that moment, right after I started working for them. Where I thought, "Oh, are they ... ?" And then I realized not when I saw she had a ring and he didn't. But I've seen it, how he feels about her.

He's pretty good at hiding it when he knows you're watching. But he's just as obvious when he thinks you're not. Loker thinks it's a toss-up, but he hasn't seen it. I saw it when her husband was lying to her. I saw it when she was hurt. And I saw the jealousy of Rader.

That was actually kinda fun, because it was the first (and only) time he actually let his guard down in front of me, and flashed the jealousy. And it was a really obvious flash for Lightman. I guess he was distracted. I enjoyed teasing him, though.

And Foster. Her love for him is about as pure as you could imagine. It's completely unconditional. I don't think she knows, though, how he feels about her. She indulges his outrageous flirting - sometimes playing along, sometimes telling him to knock it off if she's not in the mood, but I've never seen her take it seriously. She should. He's being serious, hiding it right out in the open, where no-one would think to look.

The guy is a bit of an ass to her quite a lot of the time, but she usually takes it from whence it comes. Which is just him being him. But when he's doing it deliberately to provoke her, she knows it too, and it hurts her then. But rarely. And when she's hurting, he resolves it. Because, like some six year old boy, he only enjoys pushing her to get a reaction. To get her attention. Dumbass.

When I first started working here, I didn't understand why she put up with him. But you begin to realize there's more to both of them than meets the eye ... I've grown to enjoy their private conversations that we don't follow, because it's almost comforting to know there's more than we see. It proves he's human. It proves she has reasons. And it's none of our business. Even when it's annoying, I love it, but I guess that's just the romantic girl in me. Loker hates it, and that just makes the whole thing kinda funny.

They fit though. Yin and yang, and all that. They're best friends, and dedicated. They defend each other from any outsiders, and they protect each other all the time. Loyalty is extremely important to them, and it extends to the rest of us. Most people think of him as the over protective one, but no-one is more loyal than Foster. No matter what he does, and no matter how frustrated she gets, no-one else is allowed to say so much as a word against him. She is fiercely protective. She's at her scariest when she's standing up for him.

If he were to want to pursue something with her, I know she would agree. Maybe with some persuasion. But she's good at hiding her emotions - from herself, that is. At this point, I'm almost sure she doesn't consciously think of him that way. Or at least not often. Which is excellent self-preservation on her part, because he would know. He would know because he's looking for it.

One thing I can tell you is that even though they're not involved now, they will be. They won't be able to fight it forever, especially now they're both single. It's inevitable. It's too late. And I'll know when it happens, and I'm going to tease them like you wouldn't believe. Something to look forward to.

**TBC**

**A/N: **Let me know if you like it ...Thanks for reading :-)


	2. Reynolds and Wallowski

**Perspective**

**Summary:** Just a look into what the people around Cal and Gillian think of their relationship.

**Disclaimer:** Lie to Me concept and characters do not belong to me.

**Chapter 2: Reynolds and Wallowski**

_Reynolds_

Huh. That guy is whipped for her. He's a jackass, and probably has no intention of ever saying anything (stupidly) but he is completely whipped. Can't say I blame him.

You know, I really grew to like him over the last few months I worked with them. We were almost friends. I learned to scoff at the rules, and that some things are more important. One of those things being Gillian. God, I remember when she was dating that DEA guy. For God's sake, Lightman was virtually stalking the guy. If I hadn't known him for so long, I'd've thought he was crazy.

I guess he sort of is. But from protectiveness. He loves her, and he wasn't about to see her get hurt by this guy. And he had instincts about him. Well, "instincts" after he did several illegal background checks, and found out his name was a fake. When he eventually involved me, I found out that he'd been following this guy on and off for weeks. That he had been watching his house all the previous night. And now he had me doing background checks and conducting surveillance on him.

Looking back, I can barely believe how unaffected I was by the whole situation. I guess I got desensitised. I had learned how he ticks, and that obsession almost seemed normal for him. And I grew to respect his fierce passion for anything and anyone he truly cares about. And he truly cares about her. His best friend, as he always calls her.

And she cares about him so much. I guess it's one of the reasons I chose to give him a chance. Because I saw her dedication to him, and figured there must be a reason for it. While I did learn to respect him, I can't say I ever saw what exactly it was that they had. It was too personal. But it was a strong bond, stronger than I've ever seen. She's his rock, and he's hers.

I remember the panic during the first case I worked on with them, with that nut job serial killer. Lightman panicked like I've never seen him panic again when he realized she was in trouble. He was yelling and swearing and making me drive like a maniac to get to her in time. We did, and he couldn't even be bothered to help me chase down the suspect. I remember wondering then if there was more between them.

In fact, I was almost certain they were at least sleeping together before I found out she was married. Then her idiot husband left her, and I thought maybe it was because of him. Because of Lightman. But apparently not. I don't know what the hell is up with them, to be honest, but I hope they've at least started something since I left.

I should call and check, and tell him to get his ass into gear if he hasn't. Life is damn short, and he shouldn't let that incredible woman get away. It's not like he's gonna find another one even half as good who can tolerate him.

…

_Wallowski_

Oh, boy. For God's sake, I don't know. I mean ... Well, I know she comes first with him. Frankly, I get that. I get the loyalty thing. I think it's one of the things he and I have in common. One of the many things. Including our own moral codes, how we don't give a damn about who we piss off to maintain them, our flirtatious natures.

Yeah, we love to flirt. It's fun. But I'm no more serious about it than he is. And although I know he cares about me, it's nothing on how he feels about her. I mean, I saw the strain it took on him to lie to her for me. And I know he only did it because he would've done exactly what I did if it had been her breaking the law. He would have stood by her no matter what. And then she did it too. She lied for him. Not for me, but for _him_ for me. And I really respected her for it, because I could see how she hated it, but she did it anyway. Because she's loyal to him, too. She did what I did.

I wanted to get to know her in that moment. I just wanted to chat, to be able to talk to someone who understood that kind of loyalty. Understood the need to do things that disgust us for someone we love. But she wasn't interested. She really doesn't approve of me, and I wish she did. I think ... I think she may be jealous. Jealous of the connection I have with Lightman. Because we have one. We're so similar, it's hard not to. But she shouldn't be jealous. I wish she would let me closer so I could tell her. Tell her what she means to him, and how comparatively insignificant I am.

For a while, I thought she was softening to me. Really. I mean she would call me for help, and she would be pleasant, almost friendly. And I still feel like I'd like to get to know her. To be friends. I guess my fascination with her is similar to Lightman's. That someone so pure could care so much about someone like him ... Someone like me. And it almost seemed like we might be headed slightly on the right track. But then the thing with her friend getting murdered happened, and things switched again.

God, she was so hurt though. So broken. And he had eyes for no-one else. All he cared about was her, her pain. Why doesn't she see that? Well, I guess because he goes out of his way to hide it sometimes. He's the master of the mixed messages. I wish he'd knock it off. He shouldn't be messing with someone like her. Someone so angelic.

I wanted to be able to comfort her as well, to take care of her. But the only person she would allow anywhere near her heart was him. I guess no matter what he does, at least she knows she can trust him. I'm jealous. I wish I had a Gillian Foster in my life. I know he knows how lucky he is, but sometimes I wanna tell him to act like it. Maybe he's forgotten what it feels like for someone like us to be alone. But I haven't. I'm alone. And he can't fill the void, because he's not the kind of person I need. I need someone like her.

Besides, even if he was the right person, he belongs to her already.

Completely.

**TBC**

**A/N:** Thanks to the people who've left me such positive reviews, I really appreciate it. :-)


	3. Alec and Zoe

**Perspective**

**Summary:** Just a look into what the people around Cal and Gillian think of their relationship.

**Disclaimer:** Lie to Me concept and characters do not belong to me.

**A/N: **Thanks again peeps for reviewing – it's really appreciated!

**Chapter 3: Alec and Zoe**

_Alec_

What about them? He's her best friend, isn't he? He's a good friend, too. An asshole, but a loyal friend. I actually kinda liked him, to be honest. He's entertaining.

I rarely felt threatened by their friendship. He and Gillian ... Yes, they connected. Yes, he became her best friend over me. But she was always very loving towards me. Very loyal and supportive. She was a good wife. I guess I miss her sometimes, but to be honest, I was never enough for her. He is. He's wildly intelligent, he has an interesting psyche which I know fascinates her, and, well, they connect. As for me, I just broke her.

It was with Sophie that I ruined everything. Gillian was the one who convinced me to adopt. I've always wanted a child of my own, and when she couldn't give me that, I wanted surrogacy, or insemination, or a donor egg. It took her months to talk me into adoption.

And I loved that little girl. I really loved Sophie like I never knew I could. And when she got taken away, I blamed Gillian. And I knew it was irrational, but I couldn't help the resentment, the hurt. Gillian understood, and despite hurting because of Sophie and my treatment of her, she never turned on me. She always forgave, trusted and loved. It made me a bastard.

Cal was the one who took care of her during those months. And then she would take care of me. And I was so relieved he was there, really, because I knew someone needed to look after her heart, her pain, and help her heal. And no matter how I tried, I couldn't. So, I was glad he was there.

He did get annoying when he was nosing around with my drug problem, though. He scared me into telling Gillian. I was surprised he hadn't told her anything. She was so supportive then as well ... I think that was what was too much for me. Drug use ... It's tied to self-loathing. I expected her to push me away, and when she didn't, it made me feel terribly guilty. I had to leave her, to end things once and for all before she proved what a lowlife I was compared to her.

I know how he supported her then. How he always does. And, still, I appreciated it. He took care of her, supported her, protected her and loved her when I couldn't. Or when I didn't, I guess.

When I broke her heart, it broke me as well. It's like breaking the heart of an angel. But I couldn't keep her where she was with me. I was a bastard. She needed happiness, and I bring darkness. And I knew she would be alright with him there. He'd take care of her. Better care than I ever did.

Plus, and I know this sounds ridiculous, but after his divorce, I kind of figured he'd sweep her off her feet when he could. I'm surprised he hasn't yet, but he's probably just struggling with what I was struggling with.

That she's just too damn pure for guys like us. Guys who hate ourselves so much.

…

_Zoe_

Cal and Gillian? Really? Well, prepare yourself for some very mixed feelings here.

I suppose when Gillian first came into our lives, things were pretty bad anyway. Cal had gotten fired from the pentagon, but he wouldn't tell me why. I remember when he came home that day and told me, how shocked I was. He said he had seen it coming for a while, and I suppose I had noticed a downward shift in his mood although I hadn't asked. I remember asking him what had happened, why he hadn't talked to me about it, what he was thinking. He just said that things had gone wrong in a case, he had pissed off some superiors in objecting, and gotten fired. I still don't know exactly what it was.

As for Gillian? I only found out about her when he told me he was going into business with her. I was suitably startled, as you can imagine. He wasn't very tactful about it either, of course, and it took some serious questioning about who the hell she was before I finally found out the truth.

He tried to dodge it, saying she had been a colleague. But I had never heard her mentioned, so I didn't fall for that. Finally he told me the pentagon had sent him for a psych evaluation before firing him, and she had been his psychologist. I was jealous. I won't lie. She obviously knew everything about what had happened. Which would have been fine if she had stayed his shrink. But now she was becoming … someone.

When I met her, I was even less impressed, mainly because she was beautiful – _is_ beautiful. I never underestimate Cal's appreciation for women, especially beautiful ones. Not that this was usually a problem for me, but for her to be beautiful and in the know about him? Too much.

I remember a particularly bad fight in those early days where he got very angry, and very defensive. Not for himself, but on her behalf. I had accused her of unprofessional behaviour in becoming the business partner of a patient. He told me to mind my own business, that I had no idea what I was talking about, that I didn't understand the friendship that had developed. He called me judgmental and inconsiderate. He said he needed a friend. I can't say that didn't hurt, but for a while, I accepted the truth in that.

We got to know her fairly well, as well as her husband (uninteresting man) over that first year. They became part of our social circle, part of our weekly lives. Gillian's name would be mentioned every day, just because of her proximity to Cal. She was around a lot as well, as they were working from home at first. She got to know Emily, who (unsurprisingly) developed a great fondness for her. And as for me, I guess we developed a kind of tolerance for each other.

Not that she was ever unkind to me, without provocation that is. It was only when I was being particularly unpleasant, which happened more and more as I felt him drifting away from me, that she would be remotely cold. Usually, however, she was pleasant, friendly and helpful. One of the things I hated about her. Her rationality was another. But the worst, the absolute worst thing about her? That she allowed Cal to read her, and read him back.

It was the thing that had always driven our marriage to the edge, you know. That I hated how he read me all the time, and how I could never glean a thing from him. And now this woman arrived, warm, forgiving, beautiful, and she didn't mind that he knew things. In fact, she seemed to like it. And he told her things. And she understood how he thought. God, I remember how I could tell him to do something, anything, and he would brush me off. But if she suggested the same thing to him? He would always listen. Because she always knew he right thing to say.

That connection. It ground at our foundation. I wondered how her husband put up with it. Sometimes the four of us would have dinner together, and the moments would come where it felt as though the two of us weren't even there. They would communicate with looks and very few words. Not for long, but the moments would happen.

I remember the first time he called her his best friend. That hurt, too, because every woman wants to be her husband's best friend. We're a demanding lot. But I guess part of my problem was that I never told him that. I have a pride problem, and so does he. It's the main reason we clash so often.

But things got better after that. As much as I hate to admit it, Gillian turned out to be a stabilising influence on our marriage. I know she would talk to him when he was confused or frustrated with me, and he would calm down. He treated me with far more kindness because of her. And I was torn between feeling resentful that he needed her for that, and grateful that she did that for us. But I was too proud to tell her that, too, and I know she got sick of my attitude.

But who can blame me?

Anyway, I guess in spite of her, things deteriorated between me and Cal. And because of her, I made things worse. Over the last year or so of our marriage, things got out of hand. I was picking fights with him all the time, and he returned the favour. We spiraled because we're too similar. And it reached a point where things would be said before Gillian could suppress them. And as it became more and more obvious that he needed her influence to try with me, I became more and more resentful. Let me be clear. I don't blame Gillian for the end of us – it would have happened eventually anyway, and she only tried to help. But things were more bitter because of her existence. Because of what she meant to him.

I have never seen him trust anyone, ever, the way he trusts her.

Since we split, Cal and I alternate between insulting each other, and having sex – although it's been a while now. Thoroughly unhealthy, but we've always had that fire, that passion. It's the reason we fell in love, I guess. But we both need more. I think ... he needs someone like Gillian. It's taken a long time, but I've finally come to appreciate what she does for him. For Emily. Even for me. I think I've moved on, and I think he has, too.

I heard her husband left her, or something. I hope it was her choice - even I could see she was too good for him. Two years ago, I would have sneered at the thought of Cal and Gillian getting together. Now ... Somehow, it almost seems natural.

Well, from a distance anyway.

**TBC**

**A/N: **One more after this … guess who it'll be ;-)


	4. Emily

**Perspective**

**Summary:** Just a look into what the people around Cal and Gillian think of their relationship.

**Disclaimer:** Lie to Me concept and characters do not belong to me.

**A/N: **Alright, Emily is here …

_Emily_

My dad and Gillian? Well, I know he's in love with her. Just recently I got him to admit it to me. And I wish he would just get his act together and do something about it.

I mean, okay, I know I should want my parents to be together. I know I should be heartbroken that they split up, and I should hope every day that they'll get back together. But you know, I really really don't.

I won't lie ... It's not easy to have your parents split up. No matter how justified it is, it's still the breakdown of your foundation. Everything changes. And in many ways, it's harder to deal with that change when you're older, because it feels too late to adapt. But on the other hand, at least I can relate, and it doesn't feel like the world is falling out from under my feet. It's not like that when you're a kid. When you're a kid, it feels out of the blue. You just can't understand why this is happening. With me, I knew it had to happen. I was relieved when it did.

Mom and Dad ... God, they were a nightmare together. They just made each other completely unhappy. The only thing that I think helped Dad hold on for so long was Gillian. Again, I know I _shouldn't_ think like this, but all I could think in those worst months was that I was so relieved he had Gillian there for him. That he didn't have to go through it all alone. Sometimes, I even wished _they_ were married instead of my parents … Crazy stuff, huh? But I guess it was an instinctive thing … I could just tell they suited each other better. Because Mom's difficult. Really difficult. I love her, but she was so cruel to him. She grew to hate who he was, and she was so spiteful. The fights got worse and worse. More frequent, more hurtful ... And I know it was breaking his heart. I don't know how he would have maintained his sanity without Gillian.

Because all our family friends, they didn't know. They only saw Mom's social persona, which is great. They would never understand. I know what she did was out of hurt and frustration, and I don't blame her. It's just that she lashes out when she's upset. And he does it too. But it took a lot of attack from her before he lost control. The rest of the world, however, would assume it was all him, because he doesn't make the best impression on other people, but it was just as much her. I was the only other one who understood, and obviously he couldn't talk to me about it.

So thank God he had Gillian.

She's his best friend, and I know now how much that means to him. He never really had a friend of his own. Never had one that belonged completely to him and not Mom. But Gillian was always there for him, always loyal to him. He has trust issues, but not with her. I'm just so relieved he trusts someone, that he's not completely alienated. Gill has done so much for him, and for me. Because his mood affects me, too.

I love her as well. She's always been so great to me, and she fits in with us. Mom never liked her, but I guess I would also hate it if my husband's best friend was another woman. If he trusted her, and not me. Poor Gill, though, she really used to try with Mom. By the time they hit the divorce, though, I think she'd had enough. She was on Dad's side one hundred percent.

You know, I love my dad so much. He's almost like my best friend. I just want to see him happy. Just happy. And she's the only one who does that for him. I've never seen him more relaxed, more cheerful than when he's with her. Except when he's with me, I guess. And she just loves him for who he is. What he does. She's so good to him and to me.

I remember when she and Alec split, I wasn't even sad. It's so selfish of me, but all I could think was "Finally, they can be together, they can be happy." But two years have passed, and he still hasn't done anything. He's never been afraid to show how much she means to him ... But I saw the effort that went into admitting he was in love with her. He had to tell me though, because I asked, and he really hates lying to me. I can only assumed he's afraid of screwing things up with his best friend. That would suck, I agree. But they know how to deal with each other. They could make it work.

I guess Mom's made him paranoid. Afraid of commitment. But really, he and Gill are already committed in their own way. She's already part of the family. Things just feel warm, natural when she's with us. Having lunch, or just hanging out, or popping in after Thanksgiving. And she really cares about me. She's honest and loving towards me, and sometimes I just need that kind of conversation. I trust her too. Sometimes, with my crazy parents, I'm so relieved _I_ have her sanity in my life.

I guess I'm just impatient, but I want them to just be there, to just admit how they feel about each other. I know it won't always be easy, I'm hardly that naïve. But at least it'll be right, the way it should be. I've even tried to get Gill to see it. I told her he's happier with her than Mom, and I've never seen anyone look so taken aback. Sometimes I forget that she and Dad aren't actually together, and I say things as though they are. Like including her in our holiday plans and stuff.

Well, one thing's for sure, it has to come from him, because she'll need convincing. She knows how he can be, and she's far too rational for the hopeless romantic she says she is. She's stuck between those two sides of herself. He'll have to show her. At least now that he's admitted it to me, the truth is out there. Spoken. And I know he won't be able to ignore that. Sooner or later, he'll say something. He says he doesn't know what he's waiting for, and the way he said it was like he was actually only thinking about that for the first time. Maybe, just maybe, I helped him to move ahead.

I hope so. He needs to be happy. I need him to be happy. And we need Gill for that.

…

**A/N:** So, the original plan was to end here. But then I began to toy with the idea of doing a chapter from Cal and Gillian's perspectives. And I went back and forth, because I wasn't sure whether it fits in, and besides, it's something I'm actually finding quite difficult to write. But one of you also suggested I do it, so now I think I should give it a go ... It does seem like a good way to tie everything together. _So_, to sum all that babble up, there'll be another chapter after this. Thanks for reading and for your reviews, and please let me know what you think :-)

**TBC**


	5. Gillian and Cal

**Perspective**

**Summary:** Just a look into what the people around Cal and Gillian think of their relationship.

**Disclaimer:** Lie to Me concept and characters do not belong to me.

**A/N:** Okay, so here's the last chapter. I did struggle a little bit to get into their mindsets, funnily enough. Especially Cal's, who's perspective was pretty much "Mind your own bloody business" for a while. But, I went for it anyway, and kind of tried to make it somewhat conclusive. I hope you enjoyed reading this, and I'd love to hear what you think – especially of this chapter. Thanks for all your reviews up until now!

**Chapter 5: Gillian and Cal**

_Gillian_

Cal is … remarkably, the most important person in my life. I say "remarkably" because I never would have dreamed in my youth that my closest friend would be a … well, a Cal Lightman. I wouldn't have seen it coming if I had known him without having met him personally. You know, if I had watched him from a distance. He's exactly the kind of person I tended to avoid. Brash. Unafraid of authority. Confident. Sexual ADD. Risk taker. Passionate … Scarily passionate.

But when we met, I met who he is. Who he really is on the inside. Someone who loves with everything he has, and who has a fierce belief in what's right. His morals may seem absent to the casual observer, but let me tell you, they're there. And they run his life. They demand he always, always live up to them. It's his greatest curse, his moral code. And it's one of the things I love most about him.

As for his almost unquenchable love, it always takes my breath away. He had it for his mother. He has it for Emily. He used to have it for Zoe, and the residual protectiveness is still there. And he has it for me. He is obsessively, passionately loving towards us. I wonder if it's because he's not used to loving people, or not used to being loved. Probably a combination, really. The protectiveness most likely comes from the loss of his mother. That guilt will never leave him – see what I mean by his morals? I think in his mind, he will never ever allow himself to lose another person he loves. And he takes on that responsibility.

In return, I feel an almost overwhelming love and protectiveness towards _him_. To see how his strict sense of what's right rules his life, his self-imposed responsibility to protect us ... I can't help wanting to protect him. It's difficult to love as he loves. I can see the strain it takes on him, worrying about us all the time. I guess I'm always taken by the fact that I am one of the few people who he has decided to give that dedication to. And I would never want him to lose me, or any of us. I guess the divorce with Zoe, although undoubtedly for the best, was probably harder for him than we give him credit for. The loss of a loved one.

He doesn't like for people to understand that about him, though. That at his core is love, responsibility and guilt. It runs everything he does. I know I'm the only person who fully understands it. Not to sound full of myself, or anything, I just know I'm the only one he's ever completely shown his heart to. I'm the only one who's ever truly tried to understand. I still can't believe how I allowed myself to become so blatantly close to a patient, so personally involved. But it wasn't entirely my fault.

I guess I was already somewhat personally involved when I found out I had been assigned to see him. I mean, I'd read all his research with great fascination. I became properly involved when that bastard showed up at my house to threaten his family. I became even more involved when we met, when I got to know him. And then fully personally involved when we, together, made a decision to cover up what had happened.

When he arrived in my office that first day, he was in a torn state of being. He oscillated between arrogance and vulnerability. As though he wasn't quite sure how he should act. Looking back, I think he had fully intended to storm into his session and attitude his way through it. I don't think he expected to see how I cared, or to … feel drawn to me. It's true that we took an almost instant liking to each other, but it was strained. Even now, I'm surprised at how he opened up to me. Before he really knew me, I mean. But I guess I was nowhere near able to hide how deeply invested I was. And that must have fascinated him. He opened up to me as a person, not a therapist.

Well, right from that beginning, the essence of our relationship was formed. I was allowed into his psyche, and he read mine. I wanted him to, to warn him. We did what we had to do to protect each other. We became a team, locked in a secret and a shared sense of guilt. And that's what we are. A team in understanding, experience and protectiveness. That nobody will ever be able to be a part of. We know each other so well, and we love each other so much. And we protect each other. No matter what, we take care of each other. Nobody is allowed to attack one of us without the other jumping in to defend. It doesn't matter if we agree with the attacker or not. It's a loyalty thing. Only we are allowed to attack the other – go figure.

You know, even when he goes around following my husband, or stalking my boyfriends, and I can't believe his nerve, and I get frustrated and furious, I can't not be grateful at the same time. It's worse when he doesn't talk to me about it, but I understand his unhealthy obsession. He needs to protect me, and he acts irrationally in order to do it. It's ridiculous, but it's really just a reminder of how much I mean to him. How much he loves.

People who don't understand us wonder how I put up with him. Sometimes I wonder myself, but not very seriously. He drives me crazy sometimes, treats me like dirt, worries me. But you know, how could I not put up with him? We're bound together, and we always will be. We love each other no matter what. No matter how angry we get, no matter the phases of distance … our bond is unique and forever. And we both know it.

I remember the time he was so angry with me, he threatened to end our friendship if I messed with his finances again. It was harsh, and it surprised me that he was that upset. But, really, he only said it because he knows that now I won't ever do it again. So, in a twisted way, it was an empty threat. He meant it, but he knows he'll never have to do it. And it's the same vice versa. It's how we emphasise importance, because we both know we'll never actually leave each other.

I won't lie, though … it still hurts me when he pulls away from me. I mean, I know it's not forever, but it's still unpleasant ... But I know he'll come back to me. Recently things have been more complicated in my own mind … For some reason, I get more easily threatened when he forms a bond with another woman. Like Wallowski. Which is a shame, she's not so bad, but she's a sore point. I had an almost irrational fear of her replacing me … Although, in truth, I know it won't ever happen. But I did feel threatened by something. I'm not sure exactly why. I just know that I want something more from him.

I could probably come up with some theories … Theories about jealousy, attraction, romance … but it would complicate things. It could hurt things ... Unrequited feelings, and such. So, for once, I'm choosing ignorance. And it's better. Things get better with us, anyway. And we go back to the easy, fun, affectionate banter that's our norm. It always comes back. Recently he's shown me once again how much he cares, what a good friend he can be. And I showed how I never doubt his reliability. Not really. I rely on him to take care of me as much as he relies on me.

I will never do anything to lose him, or for him to lose me.

…

_Cal_

Foster ... Gillian. She's my business partner, and my best friend. My very best friend. My ideal woman. The one I'm bloody well in love with. And that's a pretty tough state to be in, you know, because that's not supposed to be the deal with us. Things with us are already intense. We have a very close relationship, and it's almost unhealthily deep.

We're already playing the roles of the most important people to each other in two capacities, right - our careers, and our friendships. It seems almost too dangerous to add the romantic role. That's bordering on codependence, that is. Ah, screw it, who am I kidding? We're already bloody codependent. But to lay everything on each other? If it works, it'll be incredible ... If not, it has the potential to be disastrous. It's a huge gamble. And, for once, that thought is not appealing to me at all. I'm not willing to lose her.

I mean, I'm a bit screwed up in a lot of ways. For instance, I have virtually no insight. Or I don't allow it, anyway. I mean, I really spiralled a bit for a while. It actually all started to become a conscious problem with Burnsy. I remember my resentment when she tried to tell me he was a good man. Like I bloody cared. And then when we kissed undercover ... That was distracting, knowing how she kisses. Feeling it. And then, I dunno what exactly happened, right, but I began to have dreams about her. Vivid dreams. Dreams of kissing her, of holding her, of her loving smile ... And a whole lot of other inappropriate situations with her. They messed with my head, made me lose control of my feelings, and I would wander through the day, my heart beating all fast and my stomach all wriggly, you know. And then she went and acted as though everything was normal.

And, in spite of myself, in the face of all reason, I got angry. I began to be infuriated that she didn't feel the same way, that she wasn't sharing my dreams. Instead, she'd follow me around telling me when I screwed up, bossing me around. Something she's always done, and something I actually appreciate, because I need it, or I'd've self-destructed ages ago. But it was so much easier to be angry. Easier than feeling pathetic and hurt. So I indulged in it for a while. I allowed the anger, and the reckless disregard for her. I would test her, wind her up with my various flings, and I'd feel satisfied with her reactions, her frustration.

It was only when I saw her all drunk and vulnerable, and begging me for acknowledgement, that I came back to my senses. What the hell was I doing? Why was I punishing my best friend for being my best friend? And so the anger went away again (Well, towards her. I was pissed with myself). But my new intensity of emotion hadn't left me, and I swung between trying to distance myself from her, and trying to test her feelings. My flirting has become, almost without my permission, much more daring and aggressive, and she does respond. Almost. I don't know - she's difficult for me to read. My blind spot, and all that. I know I've been confusing her, though.

And I hate that. I wanna beat myself up for confusing her. I mean, she can't help being her, all sexy and trustworthy and caring. And boy does she care. I mean, she cares for me as much as I care for her. I didn't think it was possible to meet someone who could care so much for me. But she is just so warm, forgiving, loving … That unconditional love. And it really is unconditional, I've seen it in her eyes. And I don't understand it. That it's there for me from someone who's just so damn _pure_.

Sometimes I think to myself that she should be around people who are better for her, but I'm not stupid. Not only would it kill me not to have her in my life, it would kill her. We need each other. She knows what she wants in her life, and she's not afraid to go after it. Not afraid to hang onto it. And for some inexplicable reason, I'm one of the things she wants. I couldn't get rid of her even if I wanted to, which I most certainly don't.

And then Emily caught me out, and asked me what I was waiting for. That question threw me. What am I waiting for? And I realised I'm not handling this right. Apparently I'm not just going to get over her. And if she could feel that way for me, what's the point in putting off the inevitable? She won't let me, _this_, ruin our friendship, even if I screw up, because she tolerates and loves everything about me. If anyone in the world could put up with me in a relationship, it would be her. I'm just not giving her a chance. I'm pushing her away instead. I'm hurting her.

Well, I'm not waiting anymore. I'm going to talk to my best friend about this. I'm going to be honest. And I'm going to let her know that I love her, and that I'm in love with her, and that it's okay for her to love me, because we _will_ make things work. I am not going to lose her. I'll explain everything, so she understands what's been going on in my idiotic brain.

I'm not going to wait until it's too late.

There. It's decided.

…

**Fin**

**A/N: **Thanks for reading! :-)


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